Reading/book inspired

This feeling of guilt may never go away. I’ve tried so incredibly hard to forget about the accident. Forget that it’s all my fault. Maybe if I would just admit to what happened, some of this guilt would go away. Maybe I’d be able to eat and sleep again. Maybe I’d be able to close my eyes without seeing the scene of the accident. Maybe then I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see. But how can I admit to this? How can I admit that it’s my fault that four innocent people are dead? Who wants to be known as Courtney, the girl that accidentally murdered her best friends?

                I shouldn’t have been driving the night of the accident. It was storming and I was a new driver. I knew I wasn’t comfortable with the weather but all of my friends wanted to go to the party. I wanted to feel cool for once so of course I took them. Mistake after mistake. I couldn’t legally have four extra people in my car. But I didn’t care. The party was fine I guess. Some of my friends had way too much to drink and I thought I was okay after a few small drinks. We decided to leave the party around 1:30, which of course was past my legal curfew. I was driving around just trying to sober up I guess. The storm was still as strong as before. I couldn’t see. I hit a sign and knocked it over. I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t think it would be important. I kept driving around and around. Going on the same roads over and over again.

                I drove down Lincoln road at least six times earlier that night, little did I know, the seventh time would be the last time I’d ever take that route again. All of us were laughing and listening to music, talking about anything and everything. We were all best friends. Claire, Courtney, Cassidy, Catelyn and Casey. The five C’s. Always together, always having such a great time. I drove through the intersection without stopping, there was no sign so why would I stop? That’s when my entire world stopped.

                I heard the most horrendous sound. Glass shattering, metal bending, screams, cries, and then the scariest of all, silence. There was nothing but the sound of my own shallow, quickened breathing. That’s when I realized what had happened. I had wrecked my car. But how? I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Why was my car upside down? Why aren’t my friends talking? What was dripping down my face? Later I would find out the answers to all of that.

                That sign I knocked over earlier that night? It was a stop sign. That intersection I ran? Another car was turning while I continued to go, speeding of course. None of my friends had their seatbelts on which was normal for us. I for some reason decided to wear mine that night. Which is the only thing that saved my life after my car flipped three times. The stuff dripping down my face was blood. Not my own either. I turned around to see Casey and Claire. Claire was unconscious, and Casey was looking at me with so much fear in her eyes. I could tell she was struggling to speak to me, tears running down her face. She opened her mouth but no words came out. Her eyes closed and that was the last time I ever saw my best friend alive. I remember that’s when I started screaming. We needed help. I couldn’t see Catelyn and Cass was already gone just like Casey. I tried so hard to get out of the seat. I couldn’t move. My seatbelt was stuck and I couldn’t help them.

                After what felt like years, I finally heard sirens. I saw the police and ambulance drive up. All of them ran the opposite way. I kept screaming, wanting them to notice me. Help me. Help Casey, Claire and Cass. That’s when I watched them cover a body up, hundreds of yards away. I couldn’t process that it could be Catelyn. How would she get that far away? No. It couldn’t be her. Finally they came to help us. I could feel myself fading in and out of consciousness. I vaguely remember hearing “we’re gonna need more body bags over here.” That’s when I faded out.

I woke up in a hospital bed. I was surrounded by my family and a few of my friends. The first thing to cross my mind were the girls. I needed to find them. “Daddy. Where are they? I need them.” He just looked down and slowly shook his head.

“NO DAD. NO. YOURE LYING. THEYRE FINE. WHERE ARE THEY?”

I tried to jump out of bed. I was hysterically crying, screaming, trying to understand. My dad and brother held me down. My mother cried watching me struggle and left the room. My dad just kept repeating “its okay Court. Its okay. I love you.” Over and over again. It isn’t okay. How can someone love a murderer?

To be continued…