I’m uncomfortable with the idea of being completely comfortable with someone. I don’t trust people easily. It is difficult for me to open up to people and be myself with nothing holding me back. The thing that was devastating and life changing, was losing the one person that I allowed me to do all of the things I was uncomfortable doing. Losing my Aunt, my best friend, the person that allowed me to be myself, definitely altered the way I look at life.
Everyone has their person, ya know, the Greys Anatomy thing. My person was always my Aunt Erma. Erma was one of the most influential people in my life. At one point she basically saved my life. There will never be another Erma Matthews, there will never be another person that comes close to being the person she was. And that’s okay, honestly.
Ermie was one of a kind, that’s incredibly cliché but it’s incredibly true. When I was little every other relative would baby me. They’d let me win every game, tell me what I wanted to hear, and let me get away with anything. That was never Erma. My aunt always challenged me and pushed me to do things no one, including myself, thought I could do. She was always an extremely blunt person but never a mean person. She loved me and loved everyone she ever met. She was by far the strongest person I had ever met.
How do you lose both of your daughters and your husband and continue to be so strong and loving? I’ll never understand how Erma did what she did, but she managed. She handled every struggle and challenge with so much grace. I never once heard her complain or say a negative thing about anyone. Or at least nothing negative behind their backs, I did mention she was extremely blunt. Even while her health was failing and she knew she was near the end, she was worried about letting everyone know how much they meant to them.
When I was in middle school, I let the bullies get to me. I let them get me to believe I was fat, believe I was worthless. Before then, I had always thought everyone would like me and that no one would ever be mean to me, or anyone else. I didn't know bullies were real, I wanted them to only be in the movies, stealing lunch money and calling the outcasts names. I never planned on being the outcast. I began starving myself. I know how pathetic that must seem but I wanted to fit in, I wanted the mean words to stop. It got so bad I even realized I had a problem. My mom had tried to get through to me, the doctors tried to tell me the eating problem was all in my head and that I was physically stable, no one knew how to help me. No one but Erma. I spent a week with her up in St. Louis and within that week I was already so much happier. The day I left, Ermie handed me a pair of old, blue floral PJ's. I was extremely confused and she just looked at me and gave me her signature half smile. "I love you, we all love you. You're beautiful how you are. I know these may be a little big on you now, but trust me, if you eat a little more, you'll fit in them just right. And when you do fit in them, you'll still be beautiful. You'll always be beautiful because you're beautiful inside. I love you Ansley." That is the most distinct memory I have of my aunt and I honestly can never repay her for helping me with that.
I was so angry when she passed. Angry at her for leaving, angry at myself for not going up to St. Louis when I had the chance to see her, angry at everyone around me for not telling me just how sick she was. I was even mad at God for taking her. I know now all of that is ridiculous. She’s in a better place and everything happens for a reason. I miss her so much, more every day, but over time I’ve lost the anger. I’ve lost some of the pain. Now it’s easy for me to just think of memories and be happy knowing I’ll see her someday.
Losing my favorite person in the world changed my life, obviously. Up until January of this year, I guess I still had that silly little kid belief that my family would just live forever. Actually, it’s not that I believed that, I just wanted to. This taught me to never take anyone in my life for granted. Yeah, there will never be another person I relate to the way I related to Erma, but she loved everyone, so that’s what I’m going to try to do. I want to make my Aunt proud.
